Amateur Hour Again

We at The Grey Lodge recently agreed to do a very high profile ad. I'm not spilling the details yet, but I'll say it's somewhere I never, ever expected to be able to advertise in. This is major league stuff for us.

Usually when a small company contracts to do an ad, the media company's art department helps with the creation of the ad. They have the in-house expertise that most small companies don't. The Grey Lodge, like many companies, started off very bare bones. I was president, janitor, and most jobs in between. I don't clean the bathrooms anymore, and am getting used to delegating things. We've been doing small print ads for years now. Sometimes I submit an ad ready to go. Sometimes it's a back and forth. I give clear direction and they do good work. This being big league stuff, I felt I should go with the professionals.

So I sent their art department some (mixed-case) text with our basic messages and some photos I had been working on for release 2010 of greylodge.com. I sent the text with caveat that while those were what we mostly had to say, it probably should be pared down for the ad. I offered to do a first version for them to clean up professionally. They said what I sent already would be sufficient. What they sent back was this:

I was having a rare bad morning last Friday and was in a mood when I got the email. I'm no advertising expert, but like all people today, I have been exposed to advertising since I was born. Thinking people from their lifelong experience know what advertising impacts them and what doesn't. I'll be blunt and say that ad is shit.

• The green logo on a green background, WTF?
  
• All capital letters? It's ugly, and while technically readable is so jumbled, nobody would want to bother to read it. Nobody has to read your ad, you need to make it appealing so they want to. We are so overexposed to advertising, we ignore as much of it as possible. That text is definitely stuff I would ignore. Even if it interested me, it looks like a chore to read.
  
• It's not even clear who the ad is for, "Grey Lodge" only being in the logo.
• The largest thing is the phone number. We're a bar and restaurant; we don't really want people to telephone us. We don't have operators standing by, we have bartenders who are hopefully busy with actual paying in-person customers. We do however want people to go to our Website, which packed with info, and which people can look over at their leisure. Of all the things they choose to highlight, they pick our phone number?
  

After seeing what "the professionals" thought was acceptable, I decided to do it myself. I kept their layout, which looks good, but I expect is probably boilerplate for them. Below is my version. I spent about 8 hours on it, using only basic software tools. With more professional tools and experience, I could have done it much faster.


I was given some great ideas from friends. For the most part, they and I were on the same page. There are many good ideas that I couldn't use. I believe strongly that with ads, less is more. I think this ad finds a balance between less and more.

Where I Add the Conan/Leno Chatter

It's not like this hasn't been talked about enough already, but my perspective as a 40something man who is mildly successful in his profession I think gives me something to add. Though you will be the judge of that. And it's the Internet, a few more words, more or less, won't make a dent in it. At least I hope not; if I broke the Internets, I'd never hear the end of it.

Jay Leno seems like a very nice, likable guy. A bit bland but nice enough for those who like that sort of thing. From the beginning my thoughts as a middle-aged guy were "man, Jay is being a dick". The video below shows he's also something of a pussy. Jimmy Kimmel really rips him several new ones and in Leno's own house! Though to be honest, I don't know what a better response to Jimmy Kimmel other than just sucking it up would have been. I really don't. I do know a wiser person wouldn't have been in that situation to begin with.



So NBC promises the Tonight Show to Conan O'Brien 6 years ago and time came to keep the promise. Instead of going out with a bang, going out on top, Jay decides he wants to stick around, so NBC gives him all 5 weeknights at 10pm to do a show that is sort of exactly like the Tonight Show. NBC did it out of greed, noting that the Jay Leno Show, while paying Jay very handsomely, is much cheaper to produce than 5 hours of dramas a week. Leno seemingly didn't do it out of greed. He is famous for saying that he has never spent any of his hundreds of millions of Tonight Show dollars. He still performs regularly and lives very large off that. A five night a week prime time Jay Leno Show was a screwing to Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show, which now had to compete with the Jay Leno Show for guests and viewers.

NBC didn't really care that Jay Leno Show wasn't all that successful. It was still more profitable for them than 5 nights of dramas. However their affiliates which make most of their money from the 11 o'clock news were very unhappy about the loss of lead-in viewers, and many of them threatened to show other programming. So NBC had to react. They tried to eat their cake and still have it, giving Conan little bit of a shit sandwich, though a shit sandwich that still came with a $20 million a year salary. Conan responded perfectly. He's the cool guy, smart and funny, while Leno is a failure and sort of a dick and now, thanks to Jimmy Kimmel, a pussy too.

What Jay Should Have Done
In hindsight, the best move would have been to go out on the Tonight Show with a huge bang, like when Johnny retired. Jay could still do his constant performing for senior citizens; I guess he tours old age homes, I don't know. His Tonight Show swan song should have been a giant must-see month-long event, going out on top, like a beloved champion.

At the time, the 10pm week-long show seemed like a worthy gamble for Leno. It was an interesting response to a now very different environment for network television. Of course if you are going from 5 nights a week at 11:30 to 5 nights a week at 10pm, it's not really much of a transition, not worthy of a huge bang. Maybe his leaving the Tonight Show was a big deal; I don't know. Leno bores me so I didn't pay much attention to it - I might be middle-aged but I'm not a senior citizen yet.

But hindsight isn't fair to judge by, though we can fairly judge the here and now. What Leno should have done when NBC pulled the plug on the Jay Leno Show was to go away gracefully - make some jokes at his own expense and then go home and jump around in his money. He had a good long run. He had nothing left to prove, let it go. He missed the opportunity to go out on top, but he could still retire with grace and class.

Now he just seems like a dick (and a failure and a pussy). Jeez man, you got the rest of your life, do something new. It's better to go out with them wanting more than to overstay your welcome. I'll shut up now.

Big Bidniz

From today's New York Times,

In 1990, G.M. paid $600 million for half of Saab, and anted up $125 million in 2000 for the rest of the company, which has long commanded a small, loyal following in the United States for its idiosyncratic but stylish models.

Translation: This means in the 10 years under GM's influence, the value of Saab when from $1.2bil to $250mil, and that's not considering inflation. So either GM grossly overpaid in 1990, or that GM's involvement managed to destroy $950,000,000 in Saab's value over a decade. Which option reflects better on GM's management?

Showcase

Local TV personality Al Alberts passed away yesterday. His show, Al Alberts Showcase, was a Sunday staple here in Philadelphia for decades. The show was basically a talent show for children, which made it wonderfully strange (Keep in mind this was before 500 channels and/or Adult Swim). Every year, each weekly show led up the crowning of "Little Miss Showcase".

I might start calling people "Little Miss Showcase". I'm old; I can do that now.

9 Days, 7 Barber Shops, Zero Haircuts

I really didn't mean for this to become such a project. Though to be honest, for better or worse (probably worse), that is in my nature.

Two Tuesdays ago, I headed into work early to get my hair cut. I am in at 3pm on Tuesdays, so got there at 2:15. I walked from work to my normal barber. As I have found too often before, the lights were on, the sign said "OPEN" but the door was locked and he was nowhere to be found. I'd say 6 of out 10 of my attempts to get my hair cut by him have ended in me finding him not there. He doesn't have hours posted, so I have an assumed schedule for him based on hit and miss experience. Sort of like playing Battleship. I assume his hours to be Tue to Fri 11am to 4:30pm, Sat 10am to noon.

I don't even expect barbers to have convenient hours. I work shift work, so I can deal with businesspeople who think they don't need to keep hours where most people with jobs can actually give them money. God forbid they should arrange their lives to make it easy on their customers. And even with already low expectations, I am being consistently let down.

When I lived a block away, it was only about 3 minutes wasted when he wasn't there; now a trip there has to be worked into my work schedule plotted against his expected appearances at his shop. I decided after the last haircut, which took 4 visits to successfully find him there, the next time he wasn't there, I was giving up attempting to give him money.

So after walking there in the rain, he wasn't there. Getting wetter, I go to a barber a block away. I had tried to give this barber a go twice before when the other guy was MIA. Both times, this guy was out also. Maybe they have lunch together. This guy at least has hours posted, but same deal. Lights on, sign says "OPEN" but the door locked. This guy at least has a sign indicating he would be back at 2:55, but I had no intention of waiting in the rain for him AND being late for work. So I decide, screw both of them if they can't be around. I never liked playing Battleship.

As this is now a to do, I decide on some barber criteria:

• I want to go to a real barber shop, not a hair salon. If I wanted to go a salon, I'd go to BellaLisa. I had complained about barbers earlier and Lisa said her shop did men's hair too. A hair salon should be a sanctuary for women to gossip and sit under hair dryers, etc. Men shouldn't intrude on that.
• posted hours. These hours don't even need to be convenient, merely posted.
• actually being open during posted hours. They don't even need to be open many hours per week, just be there when they advertise to be. I don't think this is too much to ask of a business that is open to the public.
  
• facade that isn't an eyesore which reflects badly on the neighborhood.
  
• preferably a shop with more than one barber. If a barber wanted a break or to take a day off, the shop could still be open, sort of like my doctor's office. You might not get your first choice of doctor, but there is one there. A single employee operation would be fine, if they were actually there at predictable times.
  
• I would prefer a barber that is either walking distance from my house or from work.
  
• an old fashioned barber pole would be nice.
  

That Friday I do reconnaissance of the neighborhood around my house. There are four barber shops near by. There was another but it closed (which was my first stop, or in this case stop zero).

1. The first stop takes me to a guy that has turned his living room into a barber shop. He has a good reputation. He has a sign; his hours are posted in the window. His house looks nice. I notice that he lists being open 6 days. I expect the hours are highly optimistic for a single employee business. I note that he opens at 9:30am on Saturdays.
   
2. There is a shop on the Avenue that I wasn't sure if he was still open. When I walk by on Mondays, the solid security grate is pulled down and there is no indication of any active business behind it. When closed up, it looks slummy. No sign, nothing. Anyway this shop was very close to the first one so I take a look at it on my reconnaissance anyway. Barber pole lights in the window (a plus), but no hours posted, and no sign that is visible once the ugly security grate is pulled down. No hours posted and being an eyesore means this guy is out.
3. The third place is a black barbershop. Rightly or wrongly I wonder if they cut white people hair. While not a beautiful business, it is acceptable. They have hours listing them as being open 6 days. It's promising.
   
4. The shop closest to me has numerous cheaply made signs on it including Barber Shop, Latina Musica, and Internet cafe. They have their hours posed. They are open 7 days a week.While not a beautiful business, at least it is an entrepreneur trying to make a go of it. As someone who started out with very little capital, I respect that.
   

Results:

1. Guy number 1 wins the reconnaissance, so I go there the next day, which is Saturday, at 11am. He is locked up tight. I check the hours in the window; yep he is supposed to be open. But he's not, so he's out. Been there done that. Ain't doing it anymore. He sunk my battleship.
   
2. No 2 was out for the reasons already noted.
   
3. Having failed on Saturday to get my hair cut, I give Latina Musica a shot on Sunday. They indeed are open as advertised. There is a young guy cutting hair. I take a seat. There are people lounging in the pica musica section speaking in Spanish and the barber and customer are chatting a little in Spanish. I comprehend little Spanish, but the language disadavantage doesn't bother me. If anything, it keeps things interesting. No one speaks to me for 30 minutes. As the barber is about to finish with the customer, a guy from the back asks me in English, what I want done. I say, a trim. He tells me the barber there can't cut with scissors and while another barber has been called, there it is not known when or if he will show up. He didn't want me to waste my time sitting there. I note that they had already wasted 30 minutes of my time and leave. So that's 3 down.
   
4. Walking into work Monday morning, I make a point to pass a corner rowhouse basement barber shop that I am aware of. There is a nice sign. It's before 7am, so I don't expect them to be open. The house is very well maintained. No hours are posted, so I give up on that guy too. I don't plan on playing Battleship to attempt to ascertain his hours of operation.
   
5. I gave the black barber shop a chance today, which is Wednesday. They were locked up tight at 10:45am; they supposedly had been open since 9:30am. So they are now out too.
   

So here I am day 9, still with long unruly hair. My options are to increase my perimeter or go to a salon. I will try a little more with perimeter expansion.

Conclusion: Barber shops seem to be the last bastion of small business suckiness. Most other small business categories where most of the enterprises suck have been given death blows by national chains with convenient and consistent hours. As a small business owner I know how hard it is, so I make herculean attempts to support small business. As a consumer, I see that it often just isn't worth it. As a small business owner, that pisses me off because it makes all of us small guys look crappy by association. It makes people think bigger is always better. Sadly it usually is. But when small business is better, it's usually way, way better.

Running a half decent barber shop really shouldn't be that hard. Find a store, get two chairs, hire someone to help, get a sign, pick some hours (at least 4 days, including a weekend and at least one evening), post the hours, make sure someone is there to cut hair when you claim to be open. Eventually buy a barber pole. Out of the numerous barber shops around here, why can't one figure that out? Why can't two solo guys, team up, share space and have convenient hours between them? It's mind boggling.

Follow Up: Billy Harztel, sitting on the better side of the bar, saw my Facebook post on his phone and commented on it when I got into work. The customers have been turning over since I got here, but my lack of barber success has been a reoccurring topic for the afternoon.

As well as good natured ball breaking, I got some tips. Craig recommended a place on Robbins (to be known as Chinese Barbers #1). Jeff told me some stories about the security grate barber and why he doesn't go there anymore. He said told me about Chinese Barbers #2 on Princeton Ave. Chinese Barbers #2 even have convenient hours, being open til 7pm every night. I'll be heading over there tomorrow.

Jenna the Hut

I will probably regret writing this, as it seems really mean and snarky. Oh well. I'd rather regret what I did than what I didn't do.

So I'm in Food Basics last night. There's a minor commotion at the top of aisle two. A morbidly obese woman is propped atop one of those motorized scooter shopping carts some stores have for handicapped people. I unfortunately put on a few pounds after the double whammy of a torn hamstring and herniated disk a few years back, so I initially opted for compassion over disgust and judgment.

She's blonde, wearing a massive pair of overalls, her flabs overwhelming the scooter. I think I see a crowd of little people hopping around where flab meets scooter. I try not be rude and look away, so I'm not certain.

A Food Basics employee goes off in search of an item for her. She explains to his back that the scooter is too slow or she'd do it. She spots me and cheerfully asks if I have seen walnut oil "in my travels".

I really don't know what irritated me more: her extremely obesity (come on, at some point just stop eating), her whining that the free scooter provided for her was too slow, or that she expected a store called Food Basics to have walnut oil.

I responded to her by shaking my head, mostly to indicate no, but also as a sign of my almost utter disbelief. I then continued on my travels through the aisles of Food Basics. A day later, I remain unsure of what of that scene irritated me most, though I'm pretty sure it's the third one.

Here is a quickly drawn, crude and partially accurate rendering. In reality she oozed around the handlebar and basket, rather than flowing in the opposite direction. This way was easier to draw though. Hey, what do you want for free?

Feeling the Freedom

Any sunny weekday where I'm outside and not trapped in a cubical, I really feel the freedom. It easily makes up for working all those nights and weekends.

Last Friday was one of those days. Incredibly beautiful.

I'm quite happy to be a Fortune 500 escapee.